


Said out loud.

by misswritingobsessed



Category: FBI (TV 2018)
Genre: Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Partnership, Post Episode - 2.10, Support
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-22 15:02:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22051174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misswritingobsessed/pseuds/misswritingobsessed
Summary: Kristen said those three words out loud to someone outside of her family and the team for the first time – she only hoped that those words would also mark the start of her healing.
Relationships: Kristen Chazal & Stuart Scola
Comments: 17
Kudos: 29





	Said out loud.

**Author's Note:**

> Terrified doesn't even come close to how I feel uploading this. I wanted to write something about Kristen's recovery - the emotional side of the recovery, and this is what happened.  
> I hope it doesn't suck, I hope it's not the worst thing ever. Any and all mistakes are mine.

Kristen left the interrogation room, angry tears threatening to stream down her face. She’d just shouted at a victim’s wife for going back on her word. If she’d just met her husband instead of having an affair, he could still be alive. 

Behind her she could feel people staring - most likely Isobel, Jubal, Maggie, OA and Scola. 

“I got this.” It was Scola’s voices she heard first and for the first time, ever, she was thankful for it. 

She felt him behind her, a gentle hand on her back pushing her in the direction of an empty conference room. 

“Kristen,” Scola began as he pushed the door closed. “Are you okay?” 

She hadn’t expected him to ask, she was prepared for the third degree, shouting for blowing up the case before it had really begun, annoyed because they were about to be reprimanded by Isobel but instead, his voice was calm and caring.

“I shouldn’t have lost it like that.” Kristen couldn’t look at him as she spoke. 

Scola shook his head. “Maybe not in terms of the investigation, but in terms of your recovery, I think it was a step forward.”

“I was cleared for work.” Kristen shot back, turning on her heels to look at him. 

Scola nodded this time. “I know, physically. But mentally, emotionally, Kristen, you’ve not spoken about your attack yet. I think lashing out at the victim’s wife, although not very professional, was a start.”

Kristen sighed, she didn’t want to admit that maybe he was right, that maybe he had a point. 

“You know you can talk to me, right?” Scola told her quietly, taking a seat at the table, gesturing for her to do the same.

Kristen nodded with a smile although she didn’t really feel like it was genuine, taking the seat next to him. “I do, and I am thankful, but honestly I don’t know where to even begin.” 

“What’s the first thing that comes to mind? To me I would guess frustration, maybe anger, a sense of betrayal.” 

Kristen was quick to shake her head - she didn’t want to admit that. She didn’t want to tell her partner how angry she was at what had happened, how she did, deep down, feel betrayed. She couldn’t admit that, not when everyone had been so supportive, so loving and kind to her throughout every step of her recovery.

“I should feel happy to be alive.” Kristen settled on.

“Yes. But just because you should doesn’t mean you will and doesn’t mean you can’t feel anything else. Kris, what you went through was a trauma, and to cope with that trauma, sometimes you have to sit with all of your emotions and sometimes you have to talk about them.”

It took Kristen a moment, but she realised Stuart had been here before. He’d dealt with trauma. She saw in his file he’d been shot at - but that was work. Personally, he’d lost his brother, he had to cope with that – cope with that loss, cope with the loss of everyone that day. She knew it was a cycle, a cycle of grief and hurt, one he was aware of, one that she would have to go through.

“I hate that I feel betrayed by the people who supported me through the whole thing. I feel ashamed that when I looked at my badge and my gun, I feel anger and frustration.” Kristen admitted quietly, willing herself to keep her tears at bay, sucking in a deep breath to keep her voice even. 

“You shouldn’t hate that, Kristen.” Stuart told her carefully.

“Why not?” Her head shot up, and she could hear the frustration coming through in her own words as her brain told her to brush him off, let it go, get back to work – to simply just cope, keep her head down and get on with things. 

“Because that’s part of healing. You are going to be angry. Angry at yourself, angry at the team, at the situation, of course you’re going to be angry – you were stabbed, and you shouldn’t have been. Every part of training tells you that your team, your partner will protect you and that’s not what happened. Of course, you’re going to be angry.” Still his voice was calm, caring, and Kristen was thankful for it.

Kristen shook her head feeling her defences slip a little, wiping a few tears that had fallen. “When I first came back to work, I thought I was okay, until I was stood in the JOC, and it hit me,” Kristen took a breath. “I felt let down - if I’d have gone into that warehouse with you, had Maggie not have run at him, had the detective not been there,” 

Scola nodded - he, although not an expert, had seen this coming. The one-off comments about partnership, the way she spoke to Maggie and OA. No small talk, no chatting, nothing personal, just work – it had all been leading up to this, some kind of breakdown.

“I don’t want to be angry! Nothing will change, I got stabbed, I’m still alive, but,” Kristen said, anger flooding her tone, as she raised her voice and the tears continued to fall.

“But you’re still angry.” Stuart finished the sentence for her. “Everyone understands that, Kristen. Maggie, OA, Jubal, Isobel, even me, we get it. And we’re all here for you.”

Kristen smiled a little. She knew that, she knew they wanted to help her, support her. Get her through all of this, but she felt so bad about it. She didn’t want to snap at them, tell them she blamed them.

She tried to compose herself, wondered if she should stop there, say thank you and ask that they carry on with the case. However, she didn’t because it felt good to say it out loud, it felt good to finally explain herself without her mother’s lack of knowledge, or her sister’s constant reminder that all that mattered was Kristen was still with them.

“Maggie saved my life - she stopped me from bleeding out, but a small part of me is so angry at her and I hate myself for it because I know she did nothing wrong.” Kristen’s voice was barely above a whisper. 

Scola reached out to put his hand on top of hers. 

“She did everything right, she is one of my best friends and yet every time I look at her, I feel angry and betrayed,” Kristen wiped a few tears away as her voice broke - she couldn’t keep her emotions at bay any longer. “I don’t want that.” 

Scola nodded, feeling choked you as well. “I know you don’t, and Maggie knows that, Kristen.” 

Kristen looked at her partner and nodded because she believed him. She shook her head, she wished this had come earlier, when she wasn’t at work, when she could wonder around her apartment, cry, scream and shout as much as she wanted without being judged. 

“What do I do now?” She asked. Sitting there all day wasn’t an option, and right now she didn’t know if she could open up anymore, she already felt so vulnerable, and now admitting her anger and betrayal to her partner.

Scola chuckled, “Maybe apologise to our victim’s wife? And, maybe fix your make up? I have no real knowledge of mascara but I’m not sure it’s supposed to be on your cheeks.”

Kristen managed a chuckle. 

“And,” Scola said quietly, “maybe we look into finding you someone to talk to?”

“Would you come with me?” She asked, tilting her head a little. “I mean, if,” she stopped again, she didn’t have an explanation.

Scola nodded, a small frown appearing on his face. “Of course, I’ll come with you. Whatever it takes to get your through this, Kristen, we will do it.”

She felt more tears pool behind her eyes. “Do you hate me?”

Scola chuckled shaking his head. “Not at all, Kris. God, no. This is a good start even though it makes you feel like a terrible person. You have to keep talking, you have to keep that conversation going.”

“Is it normal that I trust you so much, but at the same time I feel so angry?”

Stuart shrugged. “I think so. Everyone is different, and maybe you just need to get this out of your system.”

“And fix my make up.” Kristen replied, a watery smile on her lips.

“I think you could pull the look off,” there was a moment where Scola gave Kristen a moment to pull her thoughts together. “How do you feel now?”

Kristen shook her head, “Embarrassed, nervous. A little less betrayed, but still angry. Embarrassed because I screamed at a dead man’s wife, nervous because Isobel is going to verbally kill me, and angry because of the whole situation.”

Scola gave her hand a squeeze, opening his mouth to speak, but was interrupted by a knock on the door.

“Hey,” Maggie said as she stuck her head in. “Everything okay in here?”

Kristen glanced over at Scola, a silent plea for him to take the lead in conversation.

“I think we’re doing okay. Kristen just needed to vent a little.”

Maggie smiled, stepping into the room, OA a step behind her. “We, um, heard some of it.” Maggie admitted.

Kristen turned to look away, taking a deep breath, willing her tears to stay at bay – she didn’t want to keep crying.

“And,” Maggie began, “I wanted to tell Kristen that it’s okay, and that I get it if you’re angry and that if you need to shout at someone then we’re all here for you.”

“Maggie,” Kristen began still not being able to make eye contact. “It’s just,”

“Everything? The fact you got stabbed, that maybe if you’d have been with Scola it would have been different, or had the father not been there, if someone had just done something a few seconds earlier – I get it.” Maggie took another step forward placing her hand on Kristen’s shoulder.

“I don’t blame you for feeling angry at me, Kristen. I would actually worry if you were totally okay.”

Kristen finally turned around. “You saved my life, and I am so thankful. I know that you stayed with me in the hospital and that you brought flowers and stuffed teddy’s and I am so happy that I have all of you, but right now, I just can’t get this anger and this feeling of betrayal out of my system and I hate it.”

Maggie nodded, tears in her own eyes as she glanced at Scola and OA who also seemed to be emotional.

“And that’s okay, Kristen,” OA was the first to speak. “Your emotions are valid, and we understand.”

“OA is right,” Scola said. “We are going to get you through this, Kristen, no matter what it takes, no matter how long it takes. Tears, outbursts, arguments, midnight phone calls, therapy sessions, whatever it is, you know that the three of us will be there to help you.”

Kristen tried to smile, but in the end settled for standing up and letting Maggie pull her into a tight hug.

“We all need to get back to work,” Kristen said after a few moments. “I should apologise and sort my face out and in that time hope Isobel doesn’t hate me.”

Maggie chuckled. “I’ll help you get cleaned up.”

“Scola and I will go and speak to the victim’s wife.” OA said, reaching out to give Kristen a hug.

“Then,” Scola began, standing up reaching out to take Kristen’s hand after she’d hugged OA. “We will go and face Isobel.”

Kristen nodded, wiping her eyes again, “Thank you, all of you.” She wondered if it would do any good to admit that saying it all out loud made her feel better.

“And,” She turned to Scola. “I appreciate you not hating me.”

“Partners don’t hate each other. They hate other people – together.”

Kristen laughed out loud, as did Maggie and OA, before the two other agents nodded – confirming what Scola had said to be true.

“Ready to do this?” Maggie asked Kristen.

“Ready.”

\----------

In the three days it took them to close the latest case, Kristen had managed to keep her emotions in check. While her relationship with Maggie was still not as it was, it was getting better. Scola had informed her that he’d found someone she could speak to and that he was always going to be available to take her if she needed.

The therapist office was a small building, surrounded by coffee shops and small businesses.

Kristen sat quietly, playing with the lid of her coffee cup as she waited for her appointment. Stuart was sat next to her, scrolling through his phone, looking across at her every so often.

When her name was called it took her a moment to stand up, but when she did, she paused.

“I’ll be right here when you get out.” Stuart told her with a smile.

“I owe you one.”

He chuckled as he watched her follow the therapist into her office, making a mental note to remind her that right now, her being alive was good enough.

“That your boyfriend?” The therapist asked.

Kristen shook her head, “No, he’s my partner, we work together.”

“So, Miss Chazal,”

“Kristen, please.”

“So, Kristen, when you’re ready, tell me why you’re here.”

Kristen opened her mouth to speak, closing it again and taking a deep breath.

“I was stabbed.” 

Kristen said those three words out loud to someone outside of her family and the team for the first time – she only hoped that those words would also mark the start of her healing.

**Author's Note:**

> I would love to know what you thought of this, and if I should keep writing in general.


End file.
